New and improved effects pedals for musicians:
Time distortion: Makes guitar solos seem longer. Can also be achieved
by ineptitude.
Blame shifter: Shifts the pitch of mistakes down one octave so that
the audience thinks it was the bass player.
Depander: Filters out popular cover songs.
Overjive: Makes Hootie songs sound like Parliament.
Active pickups: Amplifies "signals" sent to attractive audience members.
Fluff box: Filters out excessive musical substance.
Rehash: Stores and plays back your favorite riffs constantly and forever.
Feedback Eliminator: Drowns out "constructive criticism."
Band Pass Filter: Eliminates sexual advances between band members.
Depressor: Changes any chord to E minor.
Paralytic Equalizer: Makes you as good as other guitarists by
injecting them with nerve toxins.