(Bodeneffekte From Hell) no Tubescreamer, Boss, Ibanez, Fulltone

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Beitrag von groby vom April 22. 2004 um 10:08:25:

Hi.

Die Firma Metasonix beschert uns folgendes:

Den Vaccum-Tube Agonizer!



Das erste Effektpedal mit einem Verhaltensproblem.

Hier Auszüge aus dem "Werbetext" dazu:

Think of the TX-1 Agonizer as a magical 1965-era industrial-music sonic reducer. It screws everything down to a nice, crunchy sonic pureè with aluminum shavings and broken glass mixed in. [...] Trust us. If you're another one of those little obedient, cowardly, sniveling "tone lovers", the TX-1 is not for you to snivel over, so don't buy one. And if you worship METALLICA, perhaps you should buy some nice pink fairy wings instead of a TX-1.
I suppose you think the TX-1 is sorta, dude, like one of those digital effecto thingies, dude man? Hah, don’t make us laugh, monkeyboy. We schmutz on your little head and then wipe our behinds on your Commodore 64.
[...]
We hate the 1980s, we hate Super Mario, and the Autobots suck fried maggots. Rainbow Brite and her little Smurf friends all deserve to be raped and murdered, and the Agonizer is willing to help. It sucks. It hates you. It ruins your property values and causes your condominium association's attorney to send you unfriendly letters. It keys your nice new Lexus LS. It will cause your mama to slap you into next week. Your friends will disown you when they hear your old Culture Club albums through it. It even makes Boy George sound like Throbbing Gristle. (Well, okay, a big gay Throbbing Gristle.) We suspect that George won't like the TX-1 because it's not gay enough. Personally, we feel that any gay artist (other than George) will enjoy the TX-1 just fine, provided the artist in question hates the condominium association and does bizarre things with hamsters. Yep, it's right up your perverted alley, DUDE MAN.
[...]
The Agonizer bears cartoons of naked women torturing animals, okay? Even an illiterate skateboard-sucker should be able to figure out the meaning. The cartoons are courtesy of noted comic artist Sarah Combs. (Yes, that's right, a woman drew them. So spare us your self-righteous cries of sexism. Perhaps you want to be the dominatrix's next victim? This can be arranged, monkeyboy.)
The TX-1 uses an obscure TV tube from the 1960s which nobody has ever used for audio before. [...] This bizarre tube defines poor fidelity and does various horrible things, especially in this circuit. A neon lamp in the feedback loop plus some other special features causes all kinds of non-stability, plus loads of screeching, gagging awfulness. It's not stable under all regimes, it sometimes oscillates at ultrasonic frequencies, and as a special bonus, it puts out such a "hot" signal that there is a real danger of the Agonizer damaging some types of solid-state equipment. Isn't that CUTE?? There's a pentode-tube preamp in the front end for insane excesses of gain. Yes, maggot, you can plug your damn guitar into it, thereby making you feel really groovy, and, like, artistic and stuff. There’s no transistors, no silicon chips and no damn Sovtek 12AX7s in it either, so disabuse yourself of that smug little delusion. No, it doesn't model fine vintage amps, it INCINERATES THEM. Then it craps on your little head. Ha ha ha. Don't show it to METALLICA, they'll probably screw it up your tight little buttcrack. A most appropriate place for it.
[...]
We’ll make it easy for you, suckboy. We will simply warn you: if you buy a TX-1, your kid will become a Negro, your hamster will die in a very inconvenient and dark place, your septic tank will explode, your wife will leave you for a 17-year-old skateboarder, and your dog will chew your genitals off.
The TX-1 will be a limited-issue item, so don't sit on your big sucky ass waiting for the price to come down. It’s not like you‘re a schmuck, personally. (Are you?) I presume that if you're a schmuck, you perhaps find this screed a little offensive, and would much prefer to stuff your hand down your panties whilst reading your IKEA catalog. If you’re that pathetic, we’ll put it in terms even an LA session guitarist (or a fine, upstanding citizen such as yourself) can understand: Bad sound, bad sound. Ouchie. Run away, run away. ARE YOU GETTING THE GENERAL DRIFT YET, DUDE MAN??
Be a good boy, and get a Line 6 amp simulator. Be obedient, and be unoriginal. Buy more Sheryl Crow albums. Ha ha ha. Now piss off, Mister Tiny Taxpayer. Go back to reading your IKEA catalog.


Ah-,ja. Danke für das Gespräch.

Und wie klingt's? Grauenvoll, natürlich. Total schrecklich. Hört's Euch auf der Webseite an.

Und scheissenteuer dazu, der Krempel. Fast 500$.



..hmmmm...



Aber irgendwie....

...hmmmm....

...weiß ich auch nicht...

...finde ich das auch irgendwie gut.


Gruß,
groby
*



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